Turducken For Real Men Is Made Of Death

I feel like you live in “MANmerica” and I live in some pansy ass settlement within it

<Hyptosis> Nice, there was a copper head asleep ontop of the turnoff to our 
           main water vein.
<Hyptosis> And, ontop of the snake
<Hyptosis> I shit you not
<Hyptosis> A fucking Brown Recluse
<Hyptosis> It was like a poison cocktail
<gru> Did you kill them both?
<gru> Or did you decide "Nah, no need to turn off the water."
<Hyptosis> I flick the spider out of the way and tossed the snake into the grass
<Hyptosis> Then turned the water off
<chrisa> I feel like you live in "MANmerica" and I live in some pansy ass 
         settlement within it

From #sancho on irc.lunarnet.org.

Hyptosis’s homepage
chrisa’s homepage

Collected writings of disease

A few things that’ve been percolating nicely in the drafts repository.


It hurts where I LIVE

You know you’re retarded sick when your eyes hurt. That’s right, retarded sick. I’ve been sleeping all day, my nose is stupid red, an entire roll of toilet paper is crumpled up into little wads next to my bed, and my body can’t make up its mind what temperature it wants to be. Right now I feel hot AND I’m sweating, a rare bit of consistency from an otherwise barely functioning wreck of a thing. Too high, you say? Well fuck you, body. You wanted it hot, and that’s what you’re going to get you son of a bitch.

I catches me off guard that I can’t talk. If you go a good 12 hours without speaking to anyone it suprises you when you try and find you can’t.

It occurs to me that this might seem like I’m begging for pity so let me explain how my life is still better than yours.

a smile and an erection

First off, location, location, location. I get to be sick as a dog in NYC. If there were a place in the world to not be able to enjoy, NY is the one you’d get the most non-enjoyment from. The awesome job I’m staying home from, and that isn’t paying me while I do, is also awesome.

The one time I left my house today I went to the grocery store and bought about $25 of canned soups. Why? Because my mommy isn’t going to make soup for me on account of being thousands of miles away. She doesn’t even have to know I’m sick. You know what freedom from parental nagging tastes like? It tastes like Progresso Vegetable Minestrone. High in saturated awesome.

So don’t cry for me Argentina. The truth is I wrote this months ago and I’m healthy as all fuck now. The cans of soup that once filled my cabinets are a distant memory, and instead of a painfully dried out mouth in the morning I wake up to a smile and an erection.
  Continue reading “Collected writings of disease”

obnoxious and disliked!

I have come to the conclusion that one useless man is called a disgrace, two become a law firm, and three or more become a congress.

1776, The Musical

I have come to the conclusion that one useless man is called a disgrace, two become a law firm, and three or more become a congress.

I have become known to many as the gayest heterosexual male history has ever known; In fact, several of my good friends are still waiting for me to cease this whole “womanizing” thing and finally come out of the closet.

The fact that I love musicals doesn’t help my case much.


Sit Down, John!

One of my very favorite musicals is 1776, which is a creative/humorous retelling of the debate leading up to the declaration of independence.

1776 features John Adams as the irate underdog trying to rally a lethargic congress to get off it’s ass and declare war openly (a war which was already well underway, just not sanctioned officially). Benjamin Franklin and Thomas Jefferson are the supporting leads, Franklin being the comic relief and wise sage character rolled into one, and Jefferson being the also-protagonist foil to Adams (Adams keeps browbeating Jefferson even though they are allies in cause.)


But, Mr. Adams.

There’s so much about this musical I’m totally gay for. There are founding fathers acting lewd (mostly Franklin) and drunk (mostly Stephen Hopkins of Rogue Island). There are biting exchanges of insults between the opposing camps, usually with a really wonderful current of mutual respect (excepting for Mr. Adams. Poor Johnny.) There are empassioned appeals to freedom and personal responsibility and a genuine sense of real patriotism (ah, but for the days when we fought for things that weren’t just good, but made sense.)

And there are also silly rhymes and catchy innuendo-laden tunes.


Molasses to Rum

In the original Broadway production, John Adams was played by William Daniels (who you probably know better as Mr. Feeny, from Boy Meets World, or the voice of KITT in the original Knight Rider). In a much more recent 1997 revival of the play, Brent Spiner (who you probably know better as Lt. Commander Data) played the role. Awesome, but second string, actors playing the man who would become the first awesome, but second string, US president.

Oh, and there’s a song about slavery. Stay classy, 1776!

Through the wonders of the internet, I’ve found a listing of all upcoming venues where it’ll be playing! Sadly, this doesn’t appear to be an RSS-enabled listing, so I’ll have to feed it into my ancient page-pinging system to keep tabs on promising, nearby productions.

I feel so Brokencyde

They say there’s nothing new under the sun and in the normal walks of life and art, it’s true. But in certain cases it falls apart as little more than a flimsy, laughable tautology.

There’s nothing new about art that’s so bad it invokes a combination of rage and laughter. The moral terror that accompanies the mental justification for forced sterilization camps set up specifically for fans of this music – is not special. The self evident fact that somebody spent money promoting this and the heinousness of such a cynical exploitation of those so unfortunate to be totally unendowed with any sense or taste, that’s happened before. The comparisons to Hitler that inevitably follow are also of little consequence. So if I tell you that what has been found is something new and special, I want to impress that I don’t mean something that’s just bad in any conventional way.

Well, this is new. This is special.

For this to have been done before, in the Renaissance there would have had to have been someone running around stealing the worst statues he could find, smashing them into little pieces, throwing the pieces into a bucket full of tar and trying to sell the hardened lump as art. And this couldn’t have been some postmodernist statement about how beauty sucks, it would have to have been an honest attempt at making a statue. And people would have had to like it. I feel completely justified in saying the world has not seen the likes of this before.


“Mankind’s ability to outfail itself boggles the mind” – Some genius on Vimeo.

The problem should be obvious. Freaxxx by Brokencyde is a laundry list of everything wrong with music, where every component could ruin a song on its own, and the failure is as deep as it is widespread. What’s interesting is that the idea of a song that does everything wrong isn’t new. In the late 90s a scientific project was undertaken by scientists Vitaly Komar and Alex Melamid, along with composer David Soldier to do exactly that.

Hundreds were surveyed to find out which instruments, themes, styles, singers, lengths of songs and anything else are most and least wanted in music. They found people don’t like opera, rap, bagpipes, banjos, jingles, songs about cowboys, holidays and patriotism, children’s choirs, and that the optimum length for a song is about a few minutes, so David Soldier set to work. What was created is a twenty-five minute song that incorporates all of this and more. It’s called “Most Unwanted Song”, and it is wonderful.

 

I think there are a number of crucial differences between these two works.

  • Brokencyde is not competent. Brokencyde combines everything bad about music incompetently, while David Soldier combines the most disliked parts of music extremely competently. There’s a difference between bad kinds of music and disliked kinds of music. In the survey nobody mentioned the sound of pots and pans falling down a flight of stairs, despite that one would think people would find such a noise more objectionable than bagpipes. The pots and pans could have easily ended up in Brokencyde’s effort, and probably would have if any musician in the last ten years had successfully employed them.
  • If Brokencyde were competent it would still be offensive. Aside from every aspect of this song being annoying in a juvenile way, it incorporates high school “my differentness saddens me while my sadness differentiates me – it’s a vicious cycle” whining with “acquisition of bitches via unmeasured application of bling” materialism and misogyny. Even if you aren’t offended by either of these constituent parts, you must be offended by the combination. I consider this a sentience test.
  • The failure extends much further than the music. Brokencyde’s lead singer has named himself Se7en. I guess he liked the movie. Another band member’s name is Antz. I think he’s the drummer or something. Anyway that’s cool, I like cartoons myself. Bitches, like the shirt says, do indeed get stitches. I counted at least three different times in the video when the screaming kid seems to choke on it. The video was clearly produced by other people, but it seems the failure spilled over and twisted that into its own inexplicable combination of terrible ideas as well.
  • Brokencyde contains no opera-rap about cowboys. Do all your shopping at Wal*Mart.

The system works!

Why are the watchmen overseers auditors scrutinizors eye-keeper-oners break-room-lunch-thieves still hungry?

Jonas:

maybe we need to autoinvestigate all governors all the time

McGrue:

Who watches the watchers?

Who makes steve gutenberg a star?

Jonas:

the watchmen watchers watch the whatchers

what

was

wat

McGrue:

Who watches the watchmen?

The watchmen watchers watch the watchmen.

Who watches the watchmen watchers?

The watchmen watcher watchers watch the watchmen watchers.

Who watches the watchmen watcher watchers?

The watchmen watcher watcher watchers watch the watchmen watchers.

…Which watchmen watcher will we watch?

Jonas:

Who watches the watchmen?

The watchmen overseers oversee the watchmen.

Who oversees the watchmen overseers?

The watchmen overseer auditors audit the watchmen overseers.

Who audits the watchmen overseer auditors?

The watchmen overseers auditors scrutinizors scrutinize the watchmen overseer auditors.

Who keeps an eye on the watchmen overseers auditors scrutinizors?

The watchmen overseers auditors scrutinizors eye-keeper-on-ers keep an eye on the watchmen overseers auditors scrutinizors.

Who eats the watchmen overseers auditors scrutinizors eye-keeper-on-ers’ lunches in the break room?

The watchmen overseers auditors scrutinizors eye-keeper-oners break-room-lunch-thieves eat the watchmen overseers auditors scrutinizors eye-keeper-on-ers’ lunch.

Why are the watchmen overseers auditors scrutinizors eye-keeper-oners break-room-lunch-thieves still hungry?

The watchmen overseers auditors scrutinizors eye-keeper-oners started ordering in.

What are the watchmen overseers auditors scrutinizors eye-keeper-oners ordering today?

The watchmen overseers auditors scrutinizors eye-keeper-oners are ordering oh I don’t know lets get Thai since we had pizza twice last week and there’s a new place I want to try.

high brow + low brow = awesome brow

 

jonas: 

There was a young fellow named Rex,

With exceeding small organs of sex

When charged with exposure,

He replied, with composure,

De minimis non curat lex.

 

mcgrue:

Latin limericks? really?

 

jonas: 

really.

 

mcgrue: 

It’s awesome.

I appreciate it.

I had to wikipedia the punchline, but it was awesome.

 

jonas: 

so did I

that was the best part

I like some learnin’ in my dirty jokes

high brow + low brow = awesome brow

 


 

 

 

 

(limerick courtesy of hitchens)

 

To whom it may concern at the ACLU

There’s been a grave injustice and I don’t know who else to write to to get it resolved.

You see, Ben recently gave me a user name and password to contribute to his blog. A triumph for free speech, at first glace. But once I began to write some well researched prose about why evolution is wrong and how Harri Krishnas were responsible for 9/11, I noticed that I didn’t have a “publish” button. Instead, I had a “Publish Pending Review” button.

As Ben well knows, we do not practice prior restraint in this country. I cannot abide being censored by an unchallengeable authority such as “McGrue”. I’m sure you agree serious actions need to be taken to remedy the situation immediately.

Furthermore, the free exercise of my religions is being impeded, as a central tenet of my religion is that I’m always right and everyone else should be forced to listen.

He also may have impeded my second amendment rights when I tried to shoot him.

-Jonas

PS: Also the preview button didn’t work the first time I clicked it, and as a result I feel like I’ve been forced to quarter soldiers in my house.

My greatest work…

Adolf Hitler? That guy was such a Deutschbag.

Yeah, it’s pretty much all downhill from here…

I had this as my gtalk status line for a while, too.  A co-worker was a bit apprehensive that I’d have the insensitivity to use “Hitler” in anything remotely visible and associated with me from work.  This confused me on several levels, since this wasn’t exactly “Wow, Hilter was a swell, upstanding citizen,” and for the fact that, well, as an engineering-heavy organization, far, far worse things exist in our codebase.

I have yet to meet a codebase that didn’t have colorful language in comments, variable names, and commit messages.  Sailors have a thing or two to learn from engineers!

Housecleaning

I did a few navel-gazey things tonight.  

Seperation of Gruedorf and State.  Where ‘state’ is ‘me’.

First off, I decoupled the gruedorf RSS feed from the main feed, so I can now make non-gruedorf posts (like this one) and they won’t show up in the gruedorf feed.  Yay!  For the interested, the competition-only feed is at: 

 www.egometry.com/category/gruedorf/feed/.  

The “whole site” feed is at    www.egometry.com/feed/.

Untangling the past

Next, I went through all of the dead links from the old version of the site that google still had, and I added 301 redirects to them all.  After poking at attempting mod_rewrite exclusions on the /posts/view/ directory and failing miserably, I didn’t have a good way to make a single point of access for a lookup table and a few header() statements in php.  

So instead I got the full list of urls that google was sad about via a search on site:www.egometry.com/posts.  Then I methodically went though each one of the cached pages, and physically created a php file at the path expected.  So if the url www.egometry.com/posts/view/21 was broken, I made a physical file that mapped directly to it (in this case /www/egometry.com/posts/view/21/index.php), and then filled it with a file with a header redirect in it. Like so:

<?
Header( "HTTP/1.1 301 Moved Permanently" );
Header( 'location: http://www.egometry.com/gruedorf/a-hint-of-things-to-come/' );

This got really, really repetitive, but I powered through it.  My shell prompt was filled with this pattern, by the end:

mcgrue@quistis:/www/egometry.com/posts/view$ mkdir 11
mcgrue@quistis:/www/egometry.com/posts/view$ cd 11
mcgrue@quistis:/www/egometry.com/posts/view/11$ nano index.php
mcgrue@quistis:/www/egometry.com/posts/view/11$ cd ..
mcgrue@quistis:/www/egometry.com/posts/view$ mkdir 37
mcgrue@quistis:/www/egometry.com/posts/view$ cd 37
mcgrue@quistis:/www/egometry.com/posts/view/37$ nano index.php
mcgrue@quistis:/www/egometry.com/posts/view/37$ cd ..

…and so on.

Why I did this insanity

The idea of having google searches for my (inconsequential) pages turning up as “page not founds” on the new site made me sad. I’d break into cold sweats at night, unable to sleep because of the thought of these poor souls wandering into my bland, unentertaining 404 page. Google analytics incoming searches would taunt me, taunt me!

Now, the solution I used wasn’t a very good one. If you had a large site it’d be plumb stupid. Apartmentratings.com had a large amount of 301 redirects from when the founder moved from his original url scheme to one that was more user (and search-engine) friendly, and it handled those in a much saner way (with a single point of conversion in the code and a datatable). But since I couldn’t work in a good mod-rewrite exception, it wasn’t that much work to do the 30-odd files manually.

So, at this point some of you might be wondering why I didn’t just use the 404 handling logic in wordpress, since the mod_rewrite for wp was obviously getting the urls in question to redirect them to the in-framework 404 page. A simple lookup-table and redirect before the headers were sent in that tree of logic would surely be what the doctor ordered, right?

Yeah, it would’ve.

I didn’t realize that until three paragraphs ago. Ah, hindsight.

And finally…

My favorite post, now living at it’s new url (http://www.egometry.com/games/portal-camera-shy-achievement-tutorial-part-2/) is back in fully operational condition. I just had to massage the copy inside the lightbox links’ “title” tags so images would show up and everything would render nice. WordPress’s tendency to make \n’s, <br>’s and <p>’s into other things broke all of the markup I’d stashed away in the titles.

Anyways, I get a chuckle out of the tutorial. Maybe you will too.