Sophia’s first tiles!
Embrace the pixels!

Sophia has been chomping at the bit to make more games. Since it’s been going on two years since I last flexed my gamemaking muscles fully, and since I rather adore Sophia, I’ve been chasing this rainbow.

I’ve been ever more intrigued by the idea of a pure html/javascript game engine of late, and have started taking existing, established tools (like mapeditor.org’s tiled) and putting them into the browser.

Here’s the result: (currently firefox-only). To fully get the pleasure, inspect elements on this example in firebug.

The idea is simple: html/js has affordances baked-in to parse xml documents. This can handle traditional map data. css sprite-sheet techniques have been used for years now, which directly mimic old tilset/vsp-style assets. Combine the two… and you have a effen map. Throw in browser optimizations for visible/hidden elements, and we should have a relatively cheap rendering method.

The above test is fairly simple: one 30×30 map, one layer. It loads instantaneously fast. It’s tiles are a single gif sized 304×144. Fairly economical. I decided to shove each of these boys into a div for now and use the background-image css spriting technique to get a “purist” tiling implementation going.

I opted against using canvas for now because I wanted to see how far I could get without it. So far so good, but I’ve not yet really stressed the system. The next jump will be to take some of my epic 6-layer maps from SotS, translate them into xml, and see how they fair in the browser.

Of the code I wrote, I suppose the “sauce” was a fairly common offset calculation. Although this sort of endeavor may not be so common in the modern age, it’s pretty commonplace to those of us who labored in 320×240 back in DOS. Get off my lawn.

var tileset = {
    tileWidth: 16,
    tileHeight: 16,
    setWidth: 304,
    setHeight: 144,

    getCoordsfromIdx : function( idx ) {
        var idx = parseInt(idx);
        idx--; //tmx is 1-based, not 0-based.  We need to sub 1 to get to a proper mapping.
        //idx--;

        var perRow = this.setWidth / this.tileWidth;

        var x = idx % perRow;
        var y = (idx / perRow);

        return [
            -(parseInt(x)*parseInt(this.tileWidth)),
            -(parseInt(y)*parseInt(this.tileHeight))
        ];
    }
}

This is converting a single tile index into two coordinates for the renderer to consume. For instance, if you want tile 2, it takes a ’2′ at the top, does some maths, and tells you that tile 2′s offset is 16 pixels in from the top-left corner, and 0 pixels down (ie, on the top row). Some strange quirks of this code: I had to decrement the idx, because Tiled’s xml format is 1-based, not 0 (ie, the first tile, the one at (0,0), is index 1, not index 0); and I negate the two numbers I return because the consumer of these coordinates is a css background-position style, and that’s how they work.

Also of note was a small hiccup when I uploaded this to my server. My sandbox had no trouble serving a .tmx file as Content-Type: text/xml, but my big-boy server threw a conniption about it. I didn’t realize that was a problem until I threw some debugger statements into the code that “should’ve just worked” and found that all of the proper stuff was in the responseText attribute, but responseXML was null. So I renamed the mapfile to .xml on the server and everything worked fine.

I guess next step, before trying to stress the system with a super macho map, is to figure out why this isn’t working in Safari/Chrome/IE/Opera/Whatever…

They all have survival horror video game ads in front.

Watchmen is an award-winning comic book of the same vintage as The Dark Knight Returns and Maus. These are the books that gave birth to the term Graphic Novel.

And the advertisers associate slasher games with it?

I suppose the movie is targeted at a young male demographic because it’s a superhero flick, but the source material doesn’t really seem to lend itself to being fully appreciated by the set.

On the other hand, who doesn’t love zombies?

In other news, this is egometry’s 100th post. And there were 100 words in this post before this footnote (quite unplanned).

On the strength of Yahtzee’s You Might Enjoy Lego Indiana Jones review, and the fact that I seem to have recalled hearing other people speak well of the Lego Star Wars games in the past, and (honestly) mostly the fact that I’ve started to become a bit of a Gamer Point whore, I decided to pick up Lego Star Wars 2 for my XBOX 360!

Oh, god it sucks.

Pro:

• You get to beat the ever-loving fuck out of your allies.

Con:

• Your allies get in the way far too easily, especially in co-op mode.

Pro:

• There’s an impressive amount of humor present, mostly of a slapstick/in-reference sort (Chewie can, for instance, pull the arms off of lego enemies as a melee attack.)

Con:

• A lot of the expressions seem wrong to be very, very wrong (I can’t rid of the impression that Lego Han Solo prowls Lego Elementary Schools for unsupecting Duplos to molest.)

Pro:

• A lot of shit to blow up, and that shit drops delicious money that you can collect with seratonin-emitting ching-ghing sounds.

Con:

• …but there seems to be no real point to collecting all of the money. Other than the high, that is.

Pro:

• There are tons of meaningless collectable sets hidden within each of the sub-zones to find and make you feel rewarded when you procure them!

Con:

• There are tons of meaningless collectable sets.

Pro:

• The camera isn’t user-controllable and totally sucks. Oh wait, that’s not a pro at all!

Con:

• The game requires a large amount of platform jumping and is very finicky about edges. It’s the jumping puzzle of Xenogears but the entire game.

Pro:

• You can almost rape each other against the wall in co-op…

Con:

• …but it turns out the walls and/or characters are too well lubricated, as they slip off of one another (these two suggested by Sophia. Honest.).

My recommendation: avoid the game.

…I will, of course, still play it just to get my goddamned gamer points, though.

A very bullety review of my experience in Fable 2.

Things that pleased me in fable 2

Things that frustrated me in Fable 2

Or: Cakequest, the Legend Continues

She… likes to watch.

Welcome back to the visual tutorial for where all of the cameras that you can destroy in in Valve’s new Portal game are. This is the second (of two) parts and the first one can be found by clicking here.

Note that the photo essay thing here is mainly for “that one effing camera” you can’t find. Really, just knowing how many cameras you should find on each level is enough to get anyone through to completetion on this Achievement, and you can find that list at the top of part one of this tutorial.

Enough chitchat. Let’s break some cameras.

Level 10

After 4 brief, empty levels devoid of any form of cameras, Valve rewards us for our patience by putting one right in plain view.

ETHNIC_TERM_FOR_GOOBYE_HERE, sucker.

You have chosen ARRIVEDERCI. To confirm this selection, press ONE.

Level 11

The one camera on this level is a tricky one. I actually missed it the first time this go-round, and had to restart from level 05. Of course, that was a 8 minute diversion, so no big loss.

Lesson learned: always turn around.

There. Now let’s go get the goods.

Oh yeah. Now you’re playing with power. PORTAL power.

We will now pause to do the obligatory “playing with Portals Physics” things.

I like this one because a third party observer would see you cut in half with each half looking at each other.

Checking out your own ass is the least naughty thing I’d do had I my own portable wormhole generator.

And as a bonus strategy guide, here’s the tutorial for getting the Terminal Velocity achievement.

Licking my own feet while not bending over is the second least naughty thing I’d do had I my own portable wormhole generator.

1. Preheat oven to 350.
2. Fall for a few minutes. Perhaps you can enjoy a cake that is both moist and delicious in this time?
3. Unlock achievement.

Level 13

Level 13, home to 3 cameras. And none of them are initially in sight! Let the hunt begin.

Hrm. Spoke too soon.

Requiescat in pace, sweet camera.

There’s the second camera on this level, right outside the hatch to the first door we opened.

It’s starting to get taxing thinking of anything to say about dead cameras.

“Man, and the warrantee just expired too.”

This one’s right before the elevator to level 14.

“Only 1.2 megapixel? Bah, it deserved it.”

Level 15

Level fifteen already. My, how time flies. This level has five (soon to be four) cameras. It also has the first reference by GLADoS to the infamous cake that has become a plague upon the hearts and minds of the entire internet this week. Delicious and Infectious. German Chocolate Meme cake.

By the way, you can get through the previous (cameraless) level really quickly by doing a fling-jump with a portal on the floor next to the exit, and jumping into the other portal from a great height. It takes a few seconds.

And another one films the dust.

The second camera of this level is right after you fling yourself through the first barrier.

Level 15′s cameracaust: 40% complete.

The third camera is visible right after slaying the second one.

Another one down, and hey look: a failed attempt to make a perpetual motion machine out of two impossible never-never wormhole portals and a broken piece of digital film equipment!

The penultimate camera of level fifteen is in the ledge-room for the doublefling puzzle. You know what to do.

Murderer.

And our last friend here is right above the exit archway from the moving platform puzzle.

You know, with the double-flinging and the portalling around that puzzle, I think I like this level. In a very jungle-gymmy sort of way.

“Jungle Jimmy”. Hm. I wonder what that googl… augh! Ventriloquist mimes! Quick, back to the crazy AI and traps of certain doom!

Portals: Kills cameras dead.

Level 16

Level 16: home to five cameras, and a whole passel of the damn cutest death machines ever to be assembled.

“I don’t blame you!”

Our first lens-bearing fruit is right outside the door that opens when SHODAN GLADoS is done with her “lol, sorry about the android live-ammo testing course” speech.

Hey look, even the game’s proud of my merciless crusade against digital Daguerreotypes! Woo, 22/33! Go me!

Another camera in the “amazingly hard to miss” category: it is in the field of view right after you kill your first sentry turret.

You guys ain’t nothin’ compared to the cameras in Bioshock. Just sayin’.

No camera. I just really get a kick out of portal physics. I will walk forward and hand out death from above to the turret below/in-front-of me.

Oh, a camera was behind that turret I jumped. How droll.

The penalty for drollness is death.

The first two times I played this I had Options>Video>Advanced>Texture Detail set to low (Hey, I’m rockin’ an ancient card here). So I couldn’t read these guys at all. All very blurry. All very… sad.

So, I hear that the pastry might be… a fabrication?

Could the confection be mendacious?

Yes. Yes, it appears that, in fact, the cake is a lie. Moving on.

The next camera is in the little nook in the “room of death”.

I appear to have stuck a block in a portal. It’s rockin’ back and forth lazily. That is one Aperture Science Standard Storage Container that knows how to chillax.

That right there is an A+ in Sculpture 101.

It represents Man’s futile struggle against Technology’s constant march.

You can see the next camera to the top-left of my cube-shield. My cube-shield is getting shot the crap up right now. I don’t mind much: It’s not a very good companion.

The same camera, after portalling past the netting and destroying it’s bullet-flinging buddy.

The same camera, after it’s imminent destruction… minented.

That’s the last camera for this level. As an aside, I like to think that Android Hell is a classier place than Robot Hell.

Level 17

Crap. It’s one of them there invincible cameras.

I hate those.

There are two killable cameras in this stage. Let’s go kill them!

Hey there good looking. What’s a Weighted Companion Cube like you doing in an Aperture Science Enrichment Center like this?

Oh, how they taunt me.

These are not the cam-droids I am looking for. I will move on.

Another invincible camera. Keep going.

(I wonder how long it’ll be before we see a ‘yiffable’ Companion Cube. I’m not saying I want one… I’m just sayin’ I understand the internets.)

Finally. All the anticipation was giving me blue ‘tals.

This one’s at the end of the second death-hall that your adorable companion cube tenderly protected you from.

Oh yeah. That’s the stuff.

And here’s the final killable camera on this stage, right after you turn around from killing the first one. O frabjous day!

Only five more “real cameras” left in the game. Any other camera you see in this level is not a real camera. They are ironic cameras who dress like that to impress their hipster camera friends.

“The companion cube would never desert me. Ha ha, Dessert. Cake. A lie. The companion cube would never lie to me.”

Also fun, there is a username and password there (cjohnson/tier3). Try going to www.aperturescience.com, typing “LOGIN” at the prompt, and using these credentials.

This really is the best room in this, or any, game.

“Because I could not stop for Death;
He kindly stopped for me;
The cube had food and maybe ammo;
And immortality”
- Emily Dickinson meets the Companion Cube.

"It’s not you. It’s me."

Level 18

There are two cameras of import in this level. This was my least favorite level my first time through. I couldn’t figure out how to do the jump in the giant turret-having room. Was I ever so young?

This is one of them there unkillable evil impostor cameras you hear so much about.

I must be the only escaped temp that DOESN’T get to fingerpaint on the walls. Aw, man.

In other news: The no-cake graffiti is awesome.

Yet another meaningless camera raising my hopes temporarily just to crush them.

The one by the four-dots is also one of the stupid, unlovable variety.

Finally. The first "real" camera is in the giant chamber of annoying turrets, platforms, and jumps. It’s right by the door in. Take care of all the shooty things first.

We have gotten her done, sir.

The last camera on this stage is near the edge of the bottom floor of one of the most funnest rooms in the game. Kill it and start jumping like it was 1985.

No, Camera Thirty, I expect you to DIE.

Level 19

Three more cameras to go. Finally.

The first camera of this level is hiding off to the side right by the first opening. It’s okay if you walked right by it. I won’t judge you. It’s one of those "hidden in plain view" dealies.

Pt-chu, just like Peter Parker. Except with guns instead of webslingers. And with picture-destruction instead of picture-taking.

The penultimate camera of the game is above this red button you must press. Kill the camera, and then press the button.

*sniff* And that’s for Princess Diana!

Oooh, and there’s the last one. Sweet victory awaits us!

And that’s all she wrote! You now are Camera Shy!

Enjoy some cake. Now I have a whole bunch of challenge levels to beat.

The facts

Grr… locked BAD!

Welcome to Valve’s awesome game: portal! This here’s my guide to getting the “Camera Shy” achievement. Because while I’m a egotist camwhore myself, I’m a flaming libertarian. Ergo, only cameras I like I like.

Before we begin: I’m not planning on really spoiling the story, but I don’t care enough to see that through. If you haven’t played it, why are you reading a guide to complete the final achievement?

Now, there are 33 cameras that you can destroy. There are a lot more that you can’t, but we don’t care about these immortal cameras. Only the ones that, much like a woman, make a satisfying sound as they fall helplessly to the ground.

As an aside, I thought it was rather awesome that all of the characters in this game were female (or simulacrums thereof). You don’t see that too often outside of Japanese lesbian dating simulators.

The cameras are distributed as follows:

Thanks to these guys for that info. And also google.

Now, to the camera-carnage!

Level 02

Hanyways: Level 2 has 3 killable cameras. But none of that matters until you git yer gun. Second amendment forever!

You see this camera after making your first portal right after you get the blue portal-gun. Like any good mad-scientist you’re pro-technology but anti-the-man (aka: The Fools). So kill the camera and cackle a bit.

Yeah, take that. The only cameras I tolerate are MY cameras watching MY test subjects run MY deadly gamut of tests. Whoever put me here (said Fools) is going to pay.

To get to the second camera, we need to use some fancy portal physics that might elude the first-time player. Namely: using the orange portal as an entrance. First, shoot a blue portal through here…

Like so…

And turn around.

Turn right when you fall out of the portal, and you should see your quarry.

Ker-pow!

Two down, one to go before hitting the elevator.

There the third killable camera is, opposite the big LEVEL 02 sign. Christ, this place has more cameras than Oceania, Eastasia, or London!

The dark secret of portal: GLADoS is actually webmistress of www.theCheesecakeIsALie.com, featuring exclusive hot escapee voyeur action.

Level 03

On to level three, home to three camer… hey!

They’re not even trying.

Welcome to level three, home of three two cameras.

…I turn the corner and there’s another one. How’d I not get this award the first time?

Vital testing apparatus destroyed!

Turn right after exiting through the orange portal for the first time and you’ll see the last camera on this level. It’s a small level. Frankly, if you needed a guide to find any of these, you’re the laziest laze who ever lazed.

Damn, no user serviceable parts. Who knew?

Level 04

Not even out of the lift’s doors and to the big, friendly “LEVEL 04″ sign and there’s a camera. Security Moms and the PATRIOT Act built this facility.

Bzap, clank.

There’s camera eight. Otherwise known as “the second and last camera on level 4″.

Man, portal has short levels.

Man, portal is a short game.

More games should be this short and good. I’m a goddamned busy man.

Our work here is done. Moving on.

Level 05

Level five. GLADoS says she’s not monitoring this level. If you believed that the first time, you weren’t really paying attention to 1) her voice or 2) the three cameras on this level.

Viva la anonymity!

Note, you have to walk through the door before the orange portal activates and this portal becomes hazardous to security-based life forms.

Number two for Level 5. Just left of the door number 1 was above.

Those who would give up Essential Liberty to purchase a little Temporary Safety, deserve neither Liberty nor Safety. Or cake.

-Benjamin Franklin

The last camera on this level is after you solve the puzzle and leave through the second formed orange portal. Just turn away from the level exit and look up. Fun fact: According to the Creator’s Commentary, one of the hardest things presented to 3d gamemakers is to get their players to look up!

In this screenshot you can also see my winamp poking through due to me having to kill explorer, thereby causing interesting fun flashing visuals for a bit. I’ve been listening to the ending song to portal today. The game’s infected my brain in the 24 hours that I’ve owned it.

Valve, you had me at “Weighted Companion Cube”. <3

Dead cameras tell no tales.

Portal physics are neat. Since the orange portal is above the dead camera, you can see it twice in this shot. I find in some of the later levels that I work best if I think about the problem, act on it, and while trying to get the timing right I stop focusing on the weird map topography involved and just repeat the motions, lest my HEAD EXPLODE.

Anyways, that’s the last camera until level 10. We’ve offed eleven of thirty-three, so we’re 1/3rd the way there! And that’s the last camera for this post. I have to go to work now. Yay work!

You can find part two of this tutorial for the Unlocking Camera Shy Achievement in Portal by clicking here.