Collected writings of disease

A few things that’ve been percolating nicely in the drafts repository.

It hurts where I LIVE

You know you’re retarded sick when your eyes hurt. That’s right, retarded sick. I’ve been sleeping all day, my nose is stupid red, an entire roll of toilet paper is crumpled up into little wads next to my bed, and my body can’t make up its mind what temperature it wants to be. Right now I feel hot AND I’m sweating, a rare bit of consistency from an otherwise barely functioning wreck of a thing. Too high, you say? Well fuck you, body. You wanted it hot, and that’s what you’re going to get you son of a bitch.

I catches me off guard that I can’t talk. If you go a good 12 hours without speaking to anyone it suprises you when you try and find you can’t.

It occurs to me that this might seem like I’m begging for pity so let me explain how my life is still better than yours.

a smile and an erection

First off, location, location, location. I get to be sick as a dog in NYC. If there were a place in the world to not be able to enjoy, NY is the one you’d get the most non-enjoyment from. The awesome job I’m staying home from, and that isn’t paying me while I do, is also awesome.

The one time I left my house today I went to the grocery store and bought about $25 of canned soups. Why? Because my mommy isn’t going to make soup for me on account of being thousands of miles away. She doesn’t even have to know I’m sick. You know what freedom from parental nagging tastes like? It tastes like Progresso Vegetable Minestrone. High in saturated awesome.

So don’t cry for me Argentina. The truth is I wrote this months ago and I’m healthy as all fuck now. The cans of soup that once filled my cabinets are a distant memory, and instead of a painfully dried out mouth in the morning I wake up to a smile and an erection.

 80s Monster Movie Hatching Scene
Months later I found myself under the weather once again. Not enough so that I needed to self aggrandize while pitying myself again, but nevertheless sick.

Observe as I attempt to ply my ex-girlfriend to come and coddle me, if things go well perhaps with homemade chicken soup.




That’s foul


Oh my yes

Waking up this morning has taught me what those Christians mean by being born again.

It remains unrevealed to me why such a thing is appealing, however


That’s really really nasty






Oh my yes

But I figured if I said it in my monocle voice it’d be ok





It should be clear that I seriously miscalculated my approach, and failed achieve any of my aims.


 Protein Dominion

Now. Why are we sick? I’m don’t want to hear shit about viruses or living in population center, and none of that epidemiology noise either. Also no lectures about the importance of flu shots which once again, I failed to get. The real root cause our sickness, naturally, is PROTEIN. Observe as I help Kim write a lab report.

Want to proof read what’s supposed to be a rough introduction for this thing?


Proteins perform many functions within the body.

The introduction was about some enzyme in eggwhites that dissolves the cell walls of a certain bacteria, as part of an immune system of some sort. This is fine, of course, but the first line in her introduction was “Proteins perform many functions within the body”. Intolerable. Perhaps the least dramatic sentence ever put to paper. You need to grab the reader and pull them in, and she might as well have slammed the literary door in their face. Clearly she needed help.

Julius Caesar was once asked if he was above the law. He responded coldly, “I am the law.” It would not be out of character for protein to make similar claim about organic chemistry.

The cruelty and callousness of proteins is unmatched. A subset called enzymes form the feared strike force of the protein dominion. These are highly specialized molecules, each targeted for the subjugation and humiliation of a specific target molecule. Egg White Lysozym, which is found in egg albumin, has the sole purpose of lysing the cell walls of Micrococcus lysodeikticus. The lysed chemicals have no recourse and no defense. With their walls compromised the insides of the Micrococus spill out into the eggwhite, waiting helplessly to inevitably be consumed by the ravenously hungry and growing embryo lurking concealed in the golden fog just beyond the amniotic wall.

See, who ever said science can’t be fun? Kim did, that’s who.

Incidentally, Julius Caesar never said anything of the sort and that would have been a perfectly fine argument, but that wasn’t part of Kim’s objection.

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